New Chapter

I recently found myself staring at the person in the mirror and not recognizing her. I didn't recognize the sleepy eyes. I didn't recognize the frown like appearance of her face. I didn't feel like I was the person that I was staring back at in the mirror. I saw her. I felt her. But it just wasn't me.

Long before I became a mom, long before I fell in love. The only existence in my mind was me. As it is for most of us before we settle down and have kids. I'm going to be blunt because I owe it to myself. What I have found to have changed is that I have become lazy with my way of being. I have neglected my body, my mind and my spirit. It's as if life went on and I went with it. Only it wasn't really me. When you fall in love you develop new habits. As you become a mother, you develop even more new habits. And with these new habits come a new way of being.

As my life went on though, I found my path constantly being interrupted. It was constantly being pulled in so many different directions. And with that, slowly went my mind and my spirit. As life went on, I became so overwhelmed and just didn't know how to cope. So went my body. As I fell deeper and deeper into this rut and into this anxiety ridden life, everything slowly faded in me. Not that I didn't have any control over this, because we all do. I think what happened was that I didn't seek hope. I lacked taking control back. I was in control the whole time; I just didn't know what direction to go in. Where do I start? Who will help me? Why doesn't anyone hear me? If only someone would just motivate me. If I just did this or maybe if  I  did that... STOP.

You see what happened there? I was seeking to blame everyone but myself. I was seeking help from everyone without even wanting to help myself. I know this. I realize this. I have acknowledged this. I just did absolutely nothing about this.

I am a huge supporter of the fabulous Ms Rachel Hollis. She speaks to me. She inspires me. She makes me want to be and feel alive again. I haven't been living. I have been silently dying inside. I have been yearning for hope. Hope that I couldn't find. I have been searching for the Jovi I once new and the Jovi who was once so in love with life itself. I once exuded confidence. I once radiated with joy. I'm slowly finding that Jovi again. And this is my journey. No one else's. This is me trying to get back on the right path and not letting anything or anyone stop me. No one else wants your dreams more than you do. Rachel Hollis said that and it is so real.

I'm 28. I'm a mom. I'm in a committed relationship, I work a 40 hour a week job. I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend. But at the end of the day there is just me. And that is who I am. I'm Jovi.

The first step I want to take to becoming a better me is to start working on my health. I feel like that is the first step we have to take in order to become better versions of ourselves. I want to feel good again physically and I want to feel good with my overall being. I know that when I start to feel good that's when I start to thrive.

So to whomever may be reading this. If you are following me on my journey, stay tuned. I feel like 2019 is going to be my year. To start writing, to start working on myself and my personal well being. I'm ready to revamp my mind, my body and my spirit. Ready, set...here I go.

Mom Friends

Do you ever wonder if another mom in this world is thinking the same as you or going through the same thing as you? Chances are there are several other mothers going through what you're going through, or feeling what you're feeling.

You know those feelings of loneliness, guilt, and being overwhelmed? You're not alone, Mama! I think it's fair to say that most mom's out there go through a whirlwind of emotions. First time mom's, 2nd time mom's, and mom's of multiples. It's tough to be a mom. And for you mom's doing it all on your own, I honestly don't know how you survive!? I went a little crazy last night. You see, My boyfriend and I make a great time, a wonderful team! We team up on everything. If I'm cooking, he's watching her in the living room. If one of us is showering, the other is with Olivia. Everything we do, we do as a team. I honestly don't give my boyfriend enough credit for how much he helps me. My anxiety and OCD get the best of me at times. He works 10-12 hour shifts and comes home and is dad until Olivia sleeps. I feel very lucky and very fortunate to have his help with everything. The beautiful thing is that he doesn't see it as helping out or watching our daughter. He just knows it his responsibility as a dad. Just like I know it's my responsibility as a mom to do all that I do. He's not a dad who babysits. He's a dad, period. And he is damn good at it.

But getting back to my point. Last night I had to do everything on my own. And I almost lost it. In that moment I was wishing I had another mom friend who I could just call and be like Girl, I'm losing my shit. Talk to me. Pleeeease. It's a lonely world being a mom without any close friends.

Before having Olivia, I had my close friends. Some got busy, other's I guess didn't want to be friends with a mom. Because they led different lifestyles and I wasn't about that lifestyle anymore. It hurt to lose these friends. It really did. And if any of them are reading this now. Know that I reached out to y'all several times. And it's honestly sad that you didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. But that's how you realize who your true friends are. With that being said. I have some mom friends. But none that are close, just friends who i catch up with every now and then. And then I have my best friend, but she lives far away and I hardly get to see her. But, I miss her everyday and think about her often. It's a lonely world some days. I wish I had other mom's to talk to or to just vent to each other about the daily mom struggles. Someone who understands those crazy emotional roller coasters. Someone who equally would love to enjoy a glass of wine together after our kiddos are sleeping. I miss all of that. I expressed to my boyfriend the other day how lonely I feel at times in this aspect. To go from having friends and people you could call and talk to etc, to not having any of that, has been really hard for me. I understand it happens when you become a mom. But here is where I want to gather all my mom acquaintances and be like can we all just pop open a bottle and pick up some toys around the living room together?

I am here to say that having friends as a mom is a must. We need it to stay sane. We need the little social life. We need to stay strong as women and stay equal. I'm all about uplifting each other. Women judge each other far too much in a world that has enough judgment as it is. Let's just drink some wine together and share a little laugh. For any mom's in need of a glass (or bottle) of wine or wanting to do a play date. I am reaching out to you here. Let's do it.

Mom's, there is no reason you should ever not have a friend to talk to. It's the only way we'll stay sane, after all.

In honor of #nationalbestfriends day. to my bestie Sarah, I wish you could move back here, I miss you too much!

-TinyHumanTamer

Finding Balance & Taming Anxiety

Balance. It's the essence of life. Sometimes it's tranquil and other times it's chaotic. But in all it's glory, I believe balance is what makes life flow.

For the longest time I had so much trouble with balance. At one point I believe i had it, but it was at the cost of not doing much outside of the house. Since having Olivia, it's been hard to find that balance; the medium if you will. Her 1st year of life was the hardest to find balance. I am a woman of routine and obviously it's tough to keep routine with a growing and changing baby. So naturally, finding the balance seemed impossible. 

Not until recently have I found more sense of a balance. But it took making a big change in my life to do so. I recently had a huge health scare and honestly I'm still recovering. I thought something serious was wrong with me. I turned out to be not so serious but serious enough to make me change. I had a scary panic attack brought on by anxiety and stress. It was a terrifying feeling. 

Let's rewind a bit. I have always had anxiety. More recently, my anxiety has completely taken over my life, or more like I subconsciously let it. It's been a tough road. It's caused a strain on my life, my relationship and even being a mom. So since it was getting so bad, it inadvertently led to the life changing event. Both a serious panic attack with intense chest pain that lasted days, a terrible reaction to an anxiety medicine, and a very painful stomach ulcer.

It was complete torture for about a week to two weeks. I have just now begun to feel somewhat normal. But since all this happened I have been searching for more natural ways and methods to help my anxiety. 

Here's a list of what I have been doing and what has worked greatly:

• Meditation - It's something I used to do all the time when I was single, and for the life of me I don't know why I ever stopped. 
• Essential Oils - Just look them up. They really do work wonders. 
• Taking things one day at a time - For my own sanity.
• complete change in diet - Not dieting, just cut out all the bad food and started eating better, healthier food. It changes your energy levels, your overall persona and your digestive track. 
• Learning to breath through my diaphragm and also thinking of something positive when I feel the stress/anxiety coming on. 
• Doing things that make me happy - because it revitalizes your soul in so many wonderful ways. 
• Time for me - because every person needs it.

I literally take things one day at a time. I want to the best partner to my boyfriend. I want to be the best mom that is 100% there in every way for my baby girl. But most importantly I want to be the best me. I once was at a time in my life where I loved everything about myself. As in self-love and knowing my self-worth. I used to write all about how learning to love yourself first is so vital and important to living your best life. I used to write to my fellow twenty-somethings that learning to love yourself completely was the single best thing you could do for yourself. Because in doing so, your are doing the best service to your mind, body and soul. 

I am revisiting all of this. Because somehow, I lost my way. I lost my self-worth. I forgot how to love myself. I forgot what it all meant and where it all began. I was doing an injustice to myself and to my family. Because if I'm not at my best, then how could I be the best for them? I needed a sense of balance, I needed to learn to take control of my anxiety. I needed to take back my life. 

I have begun to do so. I am finding that balance. With the amazing support of my wonderful boyfriend and everyone around me, I am taking back my life. It is so important to never forget yourself. Never forget your worth or how much you are capable of loving yourself entirely. I lost my way there for some time, but I  plan to start working on myself and always keeping that as a main focus. As I used to always say...you never stop working on yourself. Working on me should never fall below the line. It should never take a backseat. 

Anxiety has been one of the toughest battles to date. But we can't let it control us or let it take control of our lives. I plan to live my best life possible and with a little balance along the way. Because balance is what makes my world go round.

TinyHumanTamer

Time

It's our biggest enemy yet arguably the most precious thing we have. 

Time works against us, for us, with us and is all around us. Funny enough, it's something we yearn for. And equally, it's something we despise.

Time has always seemed to come and go, but even more so now that my life has grown. Now that I have a family, time escapes my clutches faster than I can blink. I simply want it all to stop; stand still if you will. I want her first steps back. I want her to need me to hang on to when she was learning to walk. I want her first time she rolled over to play over and over again. I want to relive every single moment that has made my heart flutter with joy. Which is basically everyday since I found out I was pregnant with my Olivia. I tell my boyfriend everyday that she is growing too fast. Time is my enemy right now.

I take endless photos of every moment, while some moments are kept to store in my own memory. I call those my take it in memories. The moment she falls asleep on my chest. The moments she kisses me on the lips and giggles. The mornings in bed on weekends. I could go on and on.

I have found over time--that time itself is inevitable. It's terrible, it's selfish, and it's not always in our hands. All we can do is savor every moment of our lives. It's difficult to come to grasps with the concept of time and all its inglorious trials. But time with my Olivia is what I prayed for. Time with my family is what I have always longed for. 

The only injustice we could ever do to ourselves, is to waste time. I spend my days carefully enjoying the moments. I choose this over that, because it means more time with Olivia. I regret days wasted. 

Time is all we have in this world. And it will always be by your side, if you choose to let it be. 

TinyHumanTamer

Taming a tiny human

I find my new user name quite appropriate these days. My life changes everyday. It changes every week, and every month. Though there is consistency throughout, life with a tiny human calls for constant change. 

Olivia is 1 year and 2 months today and I can't believe how much she is changing. I try to take in every second. My brain is filled with countless memories and priceless moments. A couple weeks ago I had a blessing in disguise. During one of the hardest couple weeks of my life I had sort of a revelation. 

Both of my grandpa's passed away in the same week. Our family, on both sides, were grieving the loss of two great people with very long lived lives. During those two weeks, i was fortunate enough to be able to take time off from work to grieve. I was having a very difficult time with everything. But staying home meant having my Olivia with me all day long. And during these two weeks, she learned to walk and she learned to pick herself up when she fell, and she said a couple new words. The best part--I was there for these moments. This difficult time turned out to be sort of a blessing in disguise. I was able to be there for these special and one time moments. 

Now, as a working mother and devoted girlfriend to my gorgeous man, I am always occupied. Life is very busy. So I'm obsessed with being there for these moments if I am able to be. Like ridiculously obsessed. To the point where I have an internal meltdown if I'm not there. I know it seems crazy but my fellow working momma's will understand my sentiments. 

Life is a whirlwind. It's been crazy, but wonderful. I fully intend to start writing more now. I miss it with such a passion in my heart and my soul longs for the pen each day. I still have dreams of me sitting at that window, typing away, sipping on a latte and I'm at peace with everything. Seems simple enough. Yet so far away. 

I can honestly say being a full time working mom on a tiny human is a lot of work. And so is taming her. I may be the tiny human tamer, but my sweet Olivia tames me in so many wonderful ways. 

TinyHumanTamer

The Reality of Postpartum Anxiety

It's something that not many talk about. It's just sort of something that happens to you, without notice, without your control, and something that many just live with. And to be honest...I never thought it would happen to me.

Postpartum anxiety/depression, A very real problem that happens to many women after giving birth. It's so tough. For me it was more Anxiety. My anxiety can be so bad some days that my chest feels like it's going to explode and some days tears just come rolling down my face from the stress. Thankfully there are ways to live with it and even make it better. But at times, I feel as though no one realizes just how i feel and what i'm going through. I know, every mom has gone through it. But that's just it. That's the problem with postpartum anxiety; it consumes you so much, that you feel completely alone and like no one can relate. That's how I feel on the worst of days. On the best of days, i'm perfectly fine. What some might dub as "complaining" is an honest cry for help. I have taken on the "I can do anything and everything" role but I have realized that no person is perfect and that no parent can do everything they want to.

What's most tough is having the people closest to you not realize how much pain you can be in. We have to make sacrifices to get through life. We have to work to pay the bills, we have to continue normal life after the baby is here. But nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for how tough it would be once i went back to normal life. I went back to work exactly 7 weeks after giving birth. So when my baby girl turned 2 months, I had been back to work for a week. It still affects me. Many things still affect me about leaving my baby at just 2 months. Yes i saw her every day, but not all day. I missed a few firsts but there is a positive to everything. I may have missed her first giggle, but when she giggled with me for the first time, later that same day, it was so beautiful. I cried.

You start to try to show yourself a lot more positives than negatives to get you through tough days. Yesterday I had a terrible day. And I'm going to get very real fro a second. I felt unattractive, I felt alone, and I missed my baby terribly while I was at work yesterday. I just couldn't relax, I couldn't get my chest to stop hurting. Everything about life, home and work was stressing me out. When I got home after picking up Olivia. She fell asleep in my arms and nothing could have brought me more peace than i felt in that moment with her. While she was in my arms sleeping, i broke down crying and hugged her a little tighter and she turned her head and tucked it just under my chin, as if she was saying, everything is ok mommy. And in that moment everything was ok. Her pure love, her comfort and feeling her heart against mine was everything I needed in that moment, and it's like she knew. In that moment of being completely alone with my baby girl, I didn't feel alone at all.

You see, life throws you a major curve ball after having a baby. For others it may be easier and for some, it may be harder. My baby girl is now 7 1/2 months, and if i'm being completely honest with all the other mommies out there, every single day is a struggle with my anxiety. I continue to work on it. I continue to try to cope with it and even try to make it better for myself. It's just so difficult. I read an article that completely related to me today. And that mom happened to say that it took her 3 years to completely bounce-back both physically and emotionally. Physically i'm almost there. Emotionally, however, may take some more time.

To all you new parents out there struggling to the max and feeling alone. Know that you're not. I have to remind myself of this sometimes as well. I would love for new parents struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety to reach out to me. And I would love to reach out to you. I think talking to each other can really help sometimes. My email is jovi.casie@gmail.com. Or find me on social media as well. Contact info is below.

Until next time...

An Olive Flower by Jovi Casie

Just stop growing

I say it everyday. Every. Single. Day. To my little Olive Flower. She's growing too fast, just stop.

As a mother now, time is going by way too fast! I'm enjoying every moment but I'm also wanting these precious moments to go in slow motion. Olivia was already born a big baby. She's a healthy girl, not chunky, not tiny. just an overall big and tall girl. She was 9 lbs when she was born and 22 in. long. (And yes, I gave birth naturally...And yes, it hurt.) They call me super mom from time to time.  

But being that she was born already fitting into size 3 month clothes, she outgrew so many tiny cute outfits, so quickly. I can't bare to give her clothes away or even sell them because I want to just keep them all and stare at them for hours. Keep in mind she had enough clothes to last her an entire year before she was even born. I'm blessed to have so many people in our family who love our princess as much as we do. I can honestly say Olivia will grow up having everything she'll ever need and more and she will be very blessed indeed. I was very fortunate to have the things I had as a kid growing up, and Olivia will have even more. It makes me happy that her dad and I can do this for her. 

She's already going to be 7 months on July 4th and I can't even wrap my head around that. Wasn't she just 6 months like a week ago? Will and I look at each other and then we look at Olivia and say, "time is going way too fast". It's true. 

As a parent, and more over a mother, it's a hard concept to grasp. When Olivia was first born I went through a really tough time with separation anxiety and post partum anxiety. I still go through it at times but it has been easier. I go through self-guilt of wanting alone time for just me, but then I talk myself out of it because I don't want to leave my baby. I have to add something. Will is the greatest father in this world. I've never seen a more hands on, loving, and caring father than him. And let me tell you, he helps. He's no "babysitter" as a lot of women call there husbands/boyfriends. He is a full on father. He works 50 hours a week, he helps me out around the house and he always has time to spend with his two favorite ladies. This is pretty rare in today's world. So it's not like I can't go out and have time for myself. He's always urging me too, because he knows how important it is for both of us to have me-time. It's a work in progress for me. I recently went out like 4 hours by myself and I have to admit it was nice. But i really missed my loves. 

Being a mom has become one of the most rewarding gifts in my life. It's a beautiful blessing to be with Will and for us to have our Olivia. It's as if life didn't exist before them. 

There are times when it's tough, emotional and tiresome. It's tough being a mom, a girlfriend, working full time and juggling all of these into my daily life. It's emotional to see Olivia growing so fast. And this new chapter in my life is tiresome. But I wouldn't trade it for anything or anyone in the world. My life is crazy, but it's absolutely wonderful.

With that said; Olivia, just stop growing. :) 

-An Olive Flower by Jovi Casie